"One Eyed Monster" or Cinema's Descent into Stupidity

The inspiration for this post came to me after I spent around two hours with breaks watching an absurdity called “One Eyed Monster”. This is a B-movie about an alien possessing porn legend Ron Jeremy’s nine-incher and rape-murder the cast of an adult movie, who are stuck in a cabin during a blizzard.

The existence of such a premise alone poses the question: How far can people stretch the limits of creative stupidity? In the case of the Fields brothers, the creators of this movie, I’d have to guess that they can extend it the way Mr. Fantastic does with his extremities. But this idea wouldn’t be as bad, if it only remained an idea. Alas since there is a movie, then there was a whole group of people, who gave green light to this project, which poses another question: How low are the criteria in the movie industry to allow the shooting of this film, even if it’s a B-Movie? Apparently they go very low. I understand that today everybody has the freedom to put out any kind of content and I support this idea, but I am also a supporter of the idea that there should be at least a form of inner censorship that can say enough is enough.

Since I sound like a prick right about now, you must be wondering why I watched it and not say, delete it into oblivion, but instead bashing a very bad movie, when an intelligent person wouldn’t bother. That afternoon I had a friend over and our longest tradition together was to download and watch something extremely weird or idiotic and make fun of it. It’s a great way to manage stress, but this movie got me thinking where the movie industry is headed. Don’t think of me as a movie snob, because I believe that there is a cinema for every cultural need a human being can develop.

As such I also believe that there are movies that are solely created to entertain in one form or another without the need for mental input from the viewer. Transporter was all about action and adrenaline, while the first Scary Movies drove me to a heart failure with laughter at low brow humor and slapstick stupidity. I like it when a movie just triggers a mood that lasts and doesn’t involve much thinking, but I really like it when they are done right.

But where is the quality in the purely made for entertainment movies? This is question that “One Eyed Monster” led me to. This year has been very weak with movies made for that purpose. “Bride Wars” was bland; “The Haunting” as well; “The Spirit” and “Crank: High Voltage” almost made me vomit, while “Transporter 3” bored me and parodies haven’t been that great either. It would seem that right about now we are subjects to a steady stream of sequel series. Action is let loose without much of a plot like the edited mess of blurs that is Crank: High Voltage and nudity and sex are tastelessly served.

I guess sex is a major part in the movie industry, since sex generally sales, but lately this marketing technique has been boosted to new heights. For instance the upcoming “Jennifer’s Body” will heavily rely on Megan Fox exuding sex appeal rather than her acting ability. I think the movie will be good, but there are far too many grisly results where sex doesn’t help at all like the dildo scene from “Van Wilder: Senior Year”, “Crank: High Voltage” and “Zombie Strippers”, where necrophilia and striptease blend into something mind numbing.

I don’t judge, because for every movie there is a willing audience and I know that people wouldn’t enjoy things I watch and read and like in general, but I can’t help, but worry about the path the movie industry has taken. If the blockbuster list and new, strange productions speak about the taste in entertainment of today’s general viewer, then doesn’t that mean that flick by flick the general movie goer is dumbing down?

What do you think about this?

Movies that Disappointed Immensely…

Before getting to the good stuff that the movie industry produced by mistake I am forced to wade through two other titles, which can carry the shiny “I failed” bandana with a head held high, but I won’t be as hilarious about my next choice since I had a faith that these will offer a pleasant movie experience.

The biggest disappointment so far is “Transporter 3”, which is nothing but logical seeing it is a fabled sequel, but it seemed that with the second movie things were actually escalating rather than flopping. The movie formula was simple: little dialogue, impossible car chase physics, grumpy Jason Statham and enough shirtless time to please the audience. When a movie designed to entertain fails, it’s pathetic and sad, because we have witness cinema selling its main purpose to cheap CGI entertainment and now it can’t even do that. But let’s focus on the movie: Frank is supposed to transport a captive daughter of an Ukrainian eco minister to Odesa, while at the same time both passengers can die if they get out of the car due to explosive bracelets on their hands. It sounds fun to me, but when the daughter is played by an incompetent actress, who speaks English as a second language at an elementary level; the dialogue is focused on clichéd hidden threats, food and never exceeds a sentence of 7 words and there are exactly 5 real action scenes in an hour and 44 minutes, you get the picture.




If you have read “Inkheart” and fell in love with this hefty children’s volume that exceeds 500 pages, then the movie will make you weep. It can easily become the worst book adaptation of the century. To produce an acceptable 1 hour and 46 min movie, Hollywood stripped the book out of its magic, out of what captured me as a reader, out of its imagination and turned into a shiny plaster wrap. I know that when it comes to adaptations a certain ‘poetic freedom’ to condense a story has to be at work, but since when does that include rewriting a whole story. I am pretty sure that around the middle I asked myself, whether I had read the book correctly or whether something has run terribly wrong. For me it would have worked better, if the talent of the cast was used in a mini-series, which would stick closely to the book as possible and in 5 one hour long episodes deliver the story like it should have been. Looking at it like it is now I can only see waste of talented names such as Brendan Fraser, Helen Mirren and Paul Bettany, who try to get into characters that are 1/3 of what they were in the book and thus giving very bland performances. Something which isn’t their fault.


Here would be appropriate to suggest to Hollywood to hire authors with experience in fiction to work with the scriptwriters and give something else than an adaptation, remake or sequel.

Watch at Your Own Risk ІІ: „When cinema goes horribly wrong”

Amazing readership,

I have returned from my exile in the real world, untangled, charged and somewhat struck silly by a rapid sneezing succession, but who doesn’t love a light head and a tingly nose. So I shall entertain you with reviews from the movie business, since I have been behind on my reading as a whole. And what better way to start an epic MOVIE WEEK than to check out the movies that inspire suicide even in the best of us.

If you are a young and in the peak of your strength male, looking at the poster of “The Telling” despite your sexual preferences you would be drawn to it, because when you mix horror with obscene sorority girls in my imagination it might be good in a bloody way. Well considering the fact that the actresses come from the Hugh Heffner entourage with the only acting skill to make their legs go in unnatural positions and make their boobs jiggle, it’s a safe bet that Stupidity will find you and scalp you with a potato peeler. And yes the acting is so bad that I am bashing this movie unapologetically. Sorority girls don’t look like the byproduct after multiple cosmetic surgeries, even if they are the materialistic bitches, the movie aims to portray. The plot actually did have potential, if Rob Zombie had taken the project up and turned this movie about telling ghost stories into something really frightening.




“The Spirit” is actually my own mistake due to my unconditional love for super hero movies. I am still baffled with what words to use and describe what I endured. In a nutshell after you see this you have a vacuum, where your brain used to be and the question “What were they thinking?” rings unanswered. I mean with names such as Eva Mendes, Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johansson in the cast you would consider “The Spirit” a strong movie. Oh well, fans thought the same back in 1997 with “Batman & Robin” and we all know how that one turned out. Strange lyric internals, weird Sin City ripped visuals and the most horrendous dialogue in the history of dialogue can weed out the last optimism in the abilities of big budget shooting. Samuel L. Jackson wears for no apparent reason a Nazi uniform and talks about toilets being funny. Eva Mendes speaks about the shiniest thing that will outdo all shiny things and an obnoxious cardboard protagonist.





“Bride Wars” was a request from the female populace in the family and though not complete cruelty towards viewers, you can’t say much positive about it. If you strip the production down to the components you would get: 1) A worthy of filming idea, which could aim to deliver a parody of today’s mania about the perfect wedding, 2) two solid actresses, who have proven themselves capable in the genre at hand, 3) decent supporting cast and 4) the right budget to make it good. The rotten core is the scriptwriter, who plugged out the idea as a wriggling embryo, insisted it was wow-za and in the end it’s just infantile. I am not a script writer, but as a fiction writer I spot several places, where with the right tweaking the comedy would have been comedy and not a bad rash in your brain after watching.









As a conclusion I can safely say that yes, the period table of elements in chemistry has one more radioactive and bio-hazardous element: APPALING cinema.

------------Watch At Your Own Risk-------------

How stupid can you get? I ask this question the modern cinema, who had such promise to deliver better surreal, fantasy, horror and sci-fi movies. It had to unite with modern CGI technology and give us the thrills and chills. In theory at least. It's all relative people say and I would have to agree. The producers agree that movies like the ones I list will be exciting for they will try to fill their pockets, while viewers will think the movies are exciting for entertainment value. I am not going to review this movie stupidity trinity, but as a rational individual who values his brain matter, I feel it's my duty to warn others like myself.

“Passengers”: We have Anne Hathaway, Patrick Wilson and an interesting premise. The fisrt 20 minutes carried a certain air of mystery and promise to become chilling or at least a decent mind fuck. No such thing. The script writer simply said to himself "Let's make say and do the same, but on different set". And on it goes, Anne sporting the same response pattern over and over again, while playing a shrink, which not so obvious, since she doesn't get to do her job much. Something happens and wham we learn that everyone is actually dead. You can obviously see copy-pasted sections from more successful projects such as "Lost", "Sixth Sense" and "The Others". For me this was a make it or break it situation and the actors failed this battle, even though they tried valiantly.


“The Day The Earth Stood Still”: Inviting title, great success with its first run back in the 50s, Keanu and Connelly. Sounds something you might want to watch. Nah, wrong answer. Do not. If you have not watched this by now, then pretend to be busy enough to never set eyes on it. Back in the 50s sci-fi had a meaning for Americans, the Internet tells you interesting things behind every rise and fall. The original movie had a purpose back in that historic background. This does not. This is another example of the general rule: "Do NOT make Remakes". Sure, the effects were cool and the actors were good with frozen faces of drama, angst and personal doom, but inevitably you ask yourself after glaring stupidly “Where’s the point?” There isn’t any.


“The Haunting of Molly Hartley” is the worst so far, because it even doesn't qualify to be included into it's genre and namely horror. If you wan't to go horribly wrong all the way with a movie, that this is like hitting the jackpot. This flick is is high form of self inflicted sadomasochism. I can't describe it. Just imagine everything that you can think of horror and be prepared that you won't come around it anywhere during the 1 hour 30 something run. The actress tried and I think most of the time she went into hysterics, because she realized she signed for the dumbest movie ever and can't escape. I suggest you watch it, if you have too many brain cells you wish to exterminate.


This has been the official Spit-On post, where I bash with pure and concentrated bile, but I am doing so not because it's super empowering and easy to be a hater [I do know the benefits, but I hate quietly in my mind], because the people behind each production didn't think about the art form and the people that will watch these abominations and waste their time. They calculated how many zeros will hop into theit pockets. An overall classification: “Watch at Your Own Risk.”