Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Top 5 WORST Speculative Movies Ever Conceived

I watch a lot of movies. I don't discriminate [unless I have some sort of expectations; I can be a scathing demon, when I have unfulfilled expectations], because every type of movie has a certain purpose. B movies aren't meant to be quite that serious, parodies are somewhere lower in the rank list and I'm positive that the productions sitting on the lowest step have an audience. If a movie's created, written, produced and aired, then there is a reason it exists. But quite honestly, I think that there are movies that should have been creative abortions, because... really because they made me facepalm, but it's a subjective criteria.


This movie is not out, yet. The official trailer circulates around the web, but there is no official poster, so you will have to get by on this concept-art piece. The movie is more like this, but less awesome. No matter how cool it seems as a stationary depiction, the sharktopus possesses the-coolest-thing-evah! factor only in this medium. While the hybrid as an idea is wicked, it's futile to try and base a passable story on the monster alone. Even if millions went into the CGI [which here is not the case; for the curious, watch the trailer] to make it look good, Syfy [the creator] has a long history with movies starring CGI monster [Mega Piranha, Mega Shark vs. Mega Octopus etc.] and I am sure that they are out of good material. You may argue that it's too early to judge, but how many movies about giant monsters have you watched recently [being key word here] that are entertaining. Especially about weird-ass hybrids. So, number five goes to a sure failure at a B movie.

'I can't deceive even a toddler that I could [theoretically] exist'. [Because toddlers have seen better CGI in commercials.]


Fantastic poster. Sarah Oh [Grey's Anatomy] is present, but that was misleading and taught me to never trust a known name as a factor that a movie is the very least mediocre. I love crypts. I love people trying to rob them and die trying. I also do not expect much as far as characterization goes, but everything from script to the actual acting was cringe-worthy. It's as if the characters wanted to die, so they did not fight for their survival that much. I watched just to see how wrong they can execute such a simple premise and seeing the one survivor return only to die, was the reason, why this one is featured here.


I've reviewed this one and had it labeled as the downfall of human intelligence or something in that vein. Yes, this movie is not taking itself very seriously. It's a movie about an alien possessing Ron Jeremy's penis and killing people in absurd ways. It was funny in a 'am I on something?' kind of way, because it was hallucinogenic and you could enjoy it, if you are high. The whole premise of murderous, sentient genitalia begs the question whether the creators are in good mental health. By the way, that is a rhetoric question. You don't need to answer. To top it off, the main villain [the penis] had almost no air time.

What did you expect? She is French.


I know it's Japan. I know it's horror. It's beside the point whatever speculative production they release had to meet an early, gruesome end. BUT I watched it, so it stands as representative of the entire Japanese B-movie industry. Inherently, duels between monster icons are not a rarity and I would encourage that such duels take place [I hope Zack Snyder decides to take this concept and do something visually stunning about it], especially between schoolgirls. However, Japan brutally misunderstands the nature of the vampire and treats the Frankenstein monster as a Lego set of weapons and whatnot. Here is the trailer:

I bet you don't want to see it.

A clever pun and a movie based on the existential question that plagues the criminally insane in America: What would happen, if turkeys strike back? Apparently the answer is to whip up razor blades and blurt: "Gobble, gobble, motherfucker!" before carving you up like a... well, you know, a Thanksgiving turkey. Oh, cruel, cruel irony. But couldn't I be overreacting? I mean there are movies with killing birds [Hitchcock's classic BIRDS], but what distinguishes Thanks Killing from every other movie on the topic is that turkeys are really not that intimidating. They do not fly, so that make them a lesser threat. AND they lack the opposable thumb to make that weapon-wielding, even a tad believable. You want to be saved from this pest. Call KFC. They have been dying to branch out into fried Thanksgiving dinners [if they already haven't or are about to].


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sharktopus has some stiff competition - that's rather frightening!

Harry Markov said...

It is... Kinda makes mediocre seem brilliant. :D

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