Monday, April 13, 2009

Watch at Your Own Risk ІІ: „When cinema goes horribly wrong”

Amazing readership,

I have returned from my exile in the real world, untangled, charged and somewhat struck silly by a rapid sneezing succession, but who doesn’t love a light head and a tingly nose. So I shall entertain you with reviews from the movie business, since I have been behind on my reading as a whole. And what better way to start an epic MOVIE WEEK than to check out the movies that inspire suicide even in the best of us.

If you are a young and in the peak of your strength male, looking at the poster of “The Telling” despite your sexual preferences you would be drawn to it, because when you mix horror with obscene sorority girls in my imagination it might be good in a bloody way. Well considering the fact that the actresses come from the Hugh Heffner entourage with the only acting skill to make their legs go in unnatural positions and make their boobs jiggle, it’s a safe bet that Stupidity will find you and scalp you with a potato peeler. And yes the acting is so bad that I am bashing this movie unapologetically. Sorority girls don’t look like the byproduct after multiple cosmetic surgeries, even if they are the materialistic bitches, the movie aims to portray. The plot actually did have potential, if Rob Zombie had taken the project up and turned this movie about telling ghost stories into something really frightening.

“The Spirit” is actually my own mistake due to my unconditional love for super hero movies. I am still baffled with what words to use and describe what I endured. In a nutshell after you see this you have a vacuum, where your brain used to be and the question “What were they thinking?” rings unanswered. I mean with names such as Eva Mendes, Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johansson in the cast you would consider “The Spirit” a strong movie. Oh well, fans thought the same back in 1997 with “Batman & Robin” and we all know how that one turned out. Strange lyric internals, weird Sin City ripped visuals and the most horrendous dialogue in the history of dialogue can weed out the last optimism in the abilities of big budget shooting. Samuel L. Jackson wears for no apparent reason a Nazi uniform and talks about toilets being funny. Eva Mendes speaks about the shiniest thing that will outdo all shiny things and an obnoxious cardboard protagonist.

“Bride Wars” was a request from the female populace in the family and though not complete cruelty towards viewers, you can’t say much positive about it. If you strip the production down to the components you would get: 1) A worthy of filming idea, which could aim to deliver a parody of today’s mania about the perfect wedding, 2) two solid actresses, who have proven themselves capable in the genre at hand, 3) decent supporting cast and 4) the right budget to make it good. The rotten core is the scriptwriter, who plugged out the idea as a wriggling embryo, insisted it was wow-za and in the end it’s just infantile. I am not a script writer, but as a fiction writer I spot several places, where with the right tweaking the comedy would have been comedy and not a bad rash in your brain after watching.

As a conclusion I can safely say that yes, the period table of elements in chemistry has one more radioactive and bio-hazardous element: APPALING cinema.


My Blog 2.0 (Dottie) said...

Hi Harry!

I was hoping Bride Wars would be sweet and funny.

They've advertise the other two movies on disc here. No intention of watching them, especially after your review!


daydream said...

I carried the same sentiments about Bride Wars, because I do like Anne Hathaway, but alas it's struggling.

And yes, do not watch them. I put myself through these movies, so that you don't have to. :)

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